On February 1st 2021, S and I moved into a place of our own and my life began again. My home life has always had such a significant impact on my mental health and I almost felt like I couldn't leave. I imagine many survivors of domestic abuse can relate. You feel guilty for those you're leaving behind, you feel it's your duty to protect, to sell yourself, body and soul, to take the brunt of it. The way you've always been told you deserve to. But it turns out: you can leave, and it will feel like you've taken a deep breath after holding it for the past twelve years of your life. You will eventually grow used to the peace and quiet of it all. I'm not hugely familiar with the feeling of being in the right place for yourself and your soul and your life but I'm indulging it. I'm thriving within it. Basking in the sunlight of it.
I've been expanding rapidly since we moved in and I'm uncovering so much about myself. My tastes and interests and imagination are being revved up and I'm rolling through them all faster than I can keep up with. I'm reading and cooking and looking after my skin. I buy candles for my coffee table and Argan oil masks for my hair. My routines are still being established, but I'm indulging myself like never before. I have never loved myself more than I do right now. I have never cared and tended to myself the way I am right now.
The sun is shining and Spring is coming and the petals on my branches are beginning to bloom. I am beginning to bloom. And I love it.
{ Currently playing ; So Good by Dove Cameron }
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